March for outdoor seating and electric cars

From the Editor's Desk

The barrier does not in any way mean your food is safe if I should cave when your calamari enters my eyesight.

I’ll get serious now and admit I am exaggerating. No, I’m straight up lying, because I in no way am going to nab and consume your food. I am not going to reach out my window as I pass, or force my 17-year-old daughter to do it under the threat of being grounded if she doesn’t, and steal your tasty steak.

But it’s not because I can’t. I’m definitely sticking to the fact I can reach out and grab that plate off your table. C’mon, you’re sitting in a parking space alongside a busy road.

The reason I am not going to steal your food is pollution and contamination.

I drove by the eateries recently and wondered as a bird passed overhead, “Is it going to drop a bomb in that man’s plate?”

Birds do that. I have been pooped on while eating at a barbecue more than once, twice while running and definitely on the beach. What’s to stop birds from pooping on your food? They are circling overhead at the first chance to eat it. How much longer do you think the moldy diaper from the trash they fought over earlier that day will remain in their intestines?

And what about exhaust? When you open your mouth to bite into an enchilada, do you also chew on the black cloud my muffler coughs up. I know my muffler is vomiting a thick cloud of blackness because I refuse to cave to the automobile industry’s service scam and fix my exhaust.

I’ll buy a hybrid before I give them the satisfaction of fixing the faulty product they put on my car.

Speaking of hybrids. A friend of mine was talking about the death of the electric car and how big oil is behind it and will wipe out the Middle East and Canada for oil before they allow affordable electric cars to be built.

Another fact is that nationwide oppression, inadequate health care and climate change are not inspiration enough to get Americans off their couches in numbers that could affect change.

But Americans love to eat, and they love to show off. Outdoor seating provides an outlet for both simultaneously.

So gather your outdoor parking space eating friends, march on Washington and demand affordable electric cars.

In the end, we both win. I get a new hybrid and you can stop swallowing exhaust when you are trying to enjoy the French fries you just dipped in ketchup.

Reach Editor Stephen Bartlett at stephen@denpubs.com.

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