I got to thinking about all this colonoscopy stuff, and got to thinking that if the medical folks are trying to be helpful, and a colonoscopy is very important to have, why did they wait till I was 50 to suggest I have one? Why not suggest I have one at 47 or 48?
I turned having the procedure over in my head again and again and asked men who’ve had it their thoughts about the experience.
So when I go to the dump, once a week, I go around my home and discard things, used candles, old kitchen utensils, worn socks, books I’ve read, and trucker caps that I’ve for some reason or another saved that I take to a guy who lives in my ma’s complex. I don’t want things I don’t need.
I called the colonoscopy office gal and cancelled my appointment. Told her I never drank, don’t smoke but a cigar or three a month, like a deer I eat lots of veggies and like a bear lots of seeds and nuts, I exercise 2 to 3 hours a day, get proper rest, don’t have stress, no responsibilities, don’t drink coffee, don’t take drugs, not even over the counter aspirin, never had a problem loading the bowl, (maybe a polyp or two would slow my flow down to a more reasonable rate), don’t have stomach aches, and I don’t get headaches. I told her I don’t always wear my seat belt, but thought that didn’t relate to colonoscopies. Told her the dump story. I told her I don’t think I need a colonoscopy.
She agreed and said they’d take me off the list and I should call if ever I thought I’d want one. She said any polyps they’d find they’d zap so there would not be a tummy problem down the line. “That’s all,” she said they were shooting for.
I think colonoscopies have been marketed really well. I think some folks need to get one.
I don’t think I need a colonoscopy.
So, do you think I’m stupid?
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act “The Logger.” His column appears weekly. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org.