Chucky's nibbling has increased. Chucky's been chewin' my front-door jam.
Go ahead Chucky, nibble a rubber bushing, a bottom barn board, a bootjack, or even a garden hose rack. But do not chew a front-door jam. No. I don't care how cute you are or how ripply you run. I paid a crap load for that door.
Standing at the entrance of the home I love so much and work so hard to maintain, seeing bits of chewed front-door jam laying scattered at the threshold that to visitors represents a grand first impression, I have total reason to believe; Chucky's gotta go, or something.
But I love and have grown accustomed to Chucky, and, I'm a pansy, unable to kill stuff, so yesterday I bought a Have a Heart trap. Course, the girl I bought it from told me some animal expert told her that if you trap a woodchuck, take it far from it's home and let it go, it dies anyway. Great. Now what do I do? If I believe the expert, I'm in a no-win situation. I either let my house be chewed to ruin, or I kill a Woodchuck, heartlessly, albeit with aid from the ironically named, Have a Heart trap.
There are too many gol darn experts around. And what do experts really know anyhow? (See BP oil spill, Wall Street 2007-present, ...) And now you're telling me there are Woodchuck experts? Those from whose expertise we're to believe Woodchucks, for cripes sakes, can't make a go of it in the middle of a veritable vegetable garden that is a springtime Vermont forest? Get the hell outta here.
So, I bought the trap, figuring trap-and-release gives Chucky a better chance to live then might a bullet through the skull.
What does one use to bait a woodchuck?
"I hear they like broccoli," the farm store merchant offered.
To be continued
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com