My dear Elin Woods

See, see, to me Elin, that, that gets me going. I'd feel no need to stray if I had you tippy toeing barefoot around the house V'ing and Z'ing all the livelong day. Tiger's lost his mind.

Oh, I believe your genes and my genes are similar. DeWees is Dutch and isn't Dutch kind of Swedishy? I think so Elin. We're a match. So herney, verney, werney, doll face, what say you and me kick off our wooden shoes?

My darling Elin, I was not impressed to read that your chasing Tiger with a golf club occurred outside "the couple's $2.4 million home." Ha, ha, ha-$2.4 million? I can understand why you were trying to club him. You poor thing, living with a billionaire in a silly little $2.4 million hut with neighbors on all four sides. I'm not saying my home is worth anywhere near $2.4 million, but, in proportion to what I make, it's worth $20 million. And for holy jeezum sakes, if we have a little spat you can come at me guns ablazin' cause there aren't barely neighbors within driving distance of my Vermont house (let alone any who could hear us). Now, doesn't that sound romantic?

Bottom line, Elin: I'm sure Tiger is a good guy, and you love him, and for sure he gives a ton of support to various charities and benevolent organizations. Here's the thing: He gets paid a ton of dough to play a game he'd pay to play; he gets the press, you, your kids, his fans, competitors, and giant companies, all under his thumb, and maybe most important, he has his health-and what does he do? He leaves revealing voice messages via telephone and Internet, jeopardizing all the blessings and serenity life holds for him, you, and your children. Elin, you married a not so smart guy.

Call me, Elin. Call me or e-mail me or something. The life you deserve awaits in Elmore, Vt., which I bet is more like Sweden than Florida could ever hope to be-even on the coldest day of the year.

Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at rustyd@pshift.com. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com

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