Speed limit intolerance

In 1984, Sammy Hagar, the greatest tequila-swilling rock-and-roll philosopher God has ever given to mankind, released "I Can't Drive 55." While the tune was bland and poorly written (much like this column), its lyrics called attention to Speed Limit Intolerance, a disorder that Hagar and hundreds of millions of other Americans (most of whom live in Miami) deal with every day. Sufferers of Speed Limit Intolerance simply cannot stomach speed limits; if they so much as attempt to drive at or below one, they simultaneously vomit and soil themselves.

Hagar wrote the song to protest the nationwide 55-mile-per-hour speed limit that existed at the time. The federal government, a nefarious cabal of bureaucrats devoted to fleecing the American public, had enacted this limit in the early 70s as one more way to fleece the American public. It had hit drivers with Speed Limit Intolerance especially hard.

Fortunately, the national speed limit has since been repealed. Unfortunately, most states (or maybe even all states - I can't say for sure because I refuse to do research) still have limits of their own, and the Speed Limit Intolerant continue to get ticketed disproportionately. I know, because, like Sammy Hagar, I'm one of the afflicted. Indeed, I share much in common with Sammy Hagar. For instance, I also single-handedly destroyed Van Halen.

But that's neither here nor there. The point is that I can't stick to speed limits - and my Speed Limit Intolerance grows particularly severe on interstates. (I'm not sure why this is, exactly, but - as with most of life's problems - I feel safe blaming it on Dwight Eisenhower.) Nonetheless, while I've been cited for a handful of parking violations and countless hit-and-run incidents over the course of my long and storied driving career, I've managed to get pulled over for speeding only once.

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