Future actors, I leave you this piece because it worked extremely well when read on the radio by someone with no more ability than any of you. That's me.
It's not an easy piece to make work, but give it a shot. I suggest you buy a set of turkey pepper and salt shakers, and after this year's Thanksgiving meal prayer, place the male turkey front and center, and let fly with your rendition of-
Steve the Inconsolable Pepper Shaker:
"I'm Steve, the male, and the pepper, of the male and female salt and peppershakers.
"Better looking than she is, Salt. My tail feathers are all fanned out like a bloomin' onion. I look good on the table-better 'n Salt. Yet, every Thanksgiving when Aunt Elma asks which is the salt and which is the pepper, the genius humans at the table say "The pepper is the one with the tail feathers fanned, the pretty one, the female." The male is the better-looking turkey.
"And, and humans, we fly. We ain't transcontinental, but we can get to where we wanna get, when we wanna get there, no further, no sooner, which is noble. Yet you genius humans think we don't fly-ahh!
"And what's with this: you calling bad movies turkeys? And you call tourists turkeys? And beef hamburgers aren't good enough, you gotta make turkey burgers now? And let's see, pepperoni, meatball, sausage, nowhere near enough meat for our pizza, throw some turkey on it. And the last time someone called you Butterball-did that make you happy? And talk about flustered, the liberals got it so they don't shoot amphetamines in to us anymore, which is a downer; how'd you like it if every time you have what seems like might be a perfect sneeze comin', (do sneeze action with gobble on end of it) you gobble and ruin it?