Essex 7/4/09

Attention readers: Regretfully, the Repulsive has had to issue a recall of their paper for its antitoxin cartoons and headlines. Editor Fillemup Phlegm informed me that editions of June 16, 18, 19, and 20 should not be read and returned to the publisher. "We are concerned for the health of our readers," she said, "so do not read those issues." No refunds can be expected.

I see where the major league pitchers are asking for an adjustment to determine victories from 5 1/3 innings pitched to 3 innings or 46 pitched balls. Those pitchers pitching an entire 9 inning game will get credit for 3 victories under the new formula.

Got a letter from a reader saying, "Dear Pretty Good Jim, My husband left me 21 years ago and moved in with another woman, had five children, bought a car dealership and is now rather wealthy. What can I do to win him back?" My answer is "I expect that your husband is having a flighty affair. Call him and tell him you will take him back. I'm sure that will do the trick. If he demurs, than call Governor Sanford of South Carolina. I hear he's in the market for a wife. By the way, will you call your former husband and see if he will give me a discount on a new car?"

As an avid reader of obituaries, I avidly motor to all kinds of burials. Now, I don't know about you, but I think some of these obituaries do not do full justice to the deceased, so I am announcing a new service from Jim's Pretty Good Store. For $15 I will write an obituary for you before you die. I guarantee my obituaries will bring tears to the eyes of readers. If this doesn't happen you'll get your money back. This is a great chance to read about what a wonderful person you were, what your friends and neighbors said about you, and how long it took your husband or wife to find your replacement.

Someone once asked me why I don't wish Happy Birthdays to Essex people. I don't because who wants to be reminded? But, if anyone wants me to announce a birthday, just tell me and I will try to fit it in a column somewhere.

Widely published author Imogen Nagle arrived two days ago and asked me for help with her latest. My ego jumped 12 points until I found out that all she wanted was the lock fixed.

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