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Disturbing news from the Canadian frontier

Editors note: The following account is 100 percent true. The individual in question, Jean Baptiste, also faxed a 13-page version of his proclamation to the offices at Denton Publications, and the dialogue herein has been copied word- for-word from said document. Several weeks ago, a strange man left a voice message for my managing editor, Mr. John Gereau. The individual one Jean Baptiste recited a 13-page letter into the voice recorder in a somewhat disturbing and ominous tone. Youve got to hear this, John said. There was fear in his voice a fact that bothered me as John usually laughs in the face of danger. This guy might be crazy. Nonsense, I said. Forward me the message. My parents are psychologists. Im much more qualified to determine his mental state than you. I picked up my phone and punched in the password, wondering if I was about to fall prey to another one of Johns cruel practical jokes. For a few seconds, I heard nothing but heavy breathing, and than a mans voice: Dear World Citizens, he began. Why would Our American population, citizens, man, woman or child want history to record four (4) in a row, known, Canadian men to be first (1st) ladies of America, with-in Our White House area, in Washington D.C., United States of America. At this point, I slammed the receiver down and turned to John, expecting to find him doubled-over in laughter. He was not. That was real? I asked. Yeah, and this was on the fax this morning, John said. He handed me a stack of 13 pages, all hand-written, with various words underlined and capitalized for emphasis. In some areas, extra notation had been made in the margins to drive home one of the many points discussed in the correspondence. The only contact info supplied appeared in the upper left-hand corner of the front page: Hon. Jean Baptiste, Calgary, Alberta, CA. Always bear-in-mind, Baptiste wrote. Every last Texas Ranger, Police chiefs to our cities with-in our two (2) Nations; Canada and Our United States of America, County sheriffs, marshals, state troopers, television stations owners; news-reporting staff, military police and military base commanders, to our two (2) nations, know the following, not forgetting daily newspapers! Good God! I thought. This man means business. I wondered, at this point, just how widespread his correspondence was. Hillary Rodham Clinton is a mentally-sick Canadian man!!!, he wrote. This revelation baffled me. How could this be? Americans arent stupid, and we certainly would have caught on if Hillary had been pulling a fast one. I continued reading: Robert Gauthier, Canadian ex-convict man out of Calgary, known even by every Jewish Rabbi and nearly all Ethnic Organizations leaders in our world, is Laura Bush!! Two in a row? Impossible. A Canadian ex-convict man, Gordon Bray, is so-called wife to one John McCain! Cindy, say it aint so. However, at this point in the letter, Baptiste lets his logic slip, as Cindy McCain hasnt served as first lady yet. As for the fourth first lady? Baptiste claims that there is no need to name her, as the American public already knows who it is. I, for one, suspect Patricia Nixon. I always knew Nixon had another inside man helping him out. Some of my readers I know you exist because you tell me that you read this column will write this man off as a nutjob. Wrong. Its quite clear to me that this letter is prophecy. Jean Baptiste is, after all, an obvious allusion to the great Biblical prophet, John the Baptist, who predicted the coming of Jesus Christ. And is his gaff involving Cindy McCain being a first lady a mistake? No. And that is why Im taking all of my money to Vegas and betting on John McCain to win Nov. 4. Who he marries is his own business, but in this economy, Ill do just about anything for an extra buck. Chris Morris is the news editor at Denton Publications. He can be reached at chrism@denpubs.com

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