I'm a huge fan of yours, Santa, always have been, but the older I get the more cynical I become and the more curious I am about your - how shall I say - "back story."
Santa, are you immortal? Are you a third coming of some sort? When a Pope dies he's replaced, but it seems there's only ever been one Santa. I'm sorry but I find that fact alone to be more than a bit self-righteous. If we're to be expected to take this whole Santa Claus thing seriously, shouldn't a big elf eventually die, and be replaced by another?
Santa, why are you still fat? Surely nutritional information gets to the North Pole despite there being no landmass at the northern pole; can't you buck up and show a little discipline? If you keep on the way you're going, you'll get the sugar, if you don't have it already. Do you have a death wish? You're only good to us if you're healthy, you know. I say this year pass up the cookies and milk and you'll find you'll drop 50 or 60 pounds, in just one night.
Another thing, most Christmas movies only show and talk about guy elves. What's that all about? Is Santa running a friggin' cloning factory up there or what? Or maybe Santa doesn't allow girl elves in the work place? Maybe Santa is a chauvinist? Is there such thing as a girl elf? One of the things I'm curious about.
Hey man, I don't really care what you've got going on up there, I'll always think you're the bomb, I'm just saying, time is running out on being able to live in secrecy. Fact is I can't believe you've kept us in the dark this long.
So Santa, my gift to you this year is information on why it's not to late for you to come clean and tell us all exactly what's in that pipe you're smoking that's making you so dang jolly all the time. And while you're at it, please tell me the line, "dashing through the snow," has absolutely nothing to do with your pressing a finger to your nostril before you head up the chimney.
Be good Santa.
Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com