What's up, Santa baby?

Dear Santa,

Everyone talks about the financial problems the banks, automobile, credit-card companies and learning institutions are having, but no one talks about how you and your gang are doing. How come?

Are you a shy P.R. spokesperson? You must have been hit hard with the price increase of wood and glue, saw blades, paints, brushes and company health care payments. And God knows, they don't give elf workboots away. If you're sinking Santa, get in line cause that bailout money will be gone faster than a 500-pound sack of grain at a Reindeer mixer.

Santa, what do you have? 10,000? 20,000 elves on the payroll? And 40 or 50 reindeers? That's a large nut, Santa. How is it you haven't gone belly-up and had to cancel Christmas '08? I guess you're either a first-rate businessman or you're running a cult up there.

Is that it? Are you running a Jonestown-like cult? Do you put those poor little elfsters under a spell and make them work 16 hours a day, seven days a week for just room and board and a few bucks extra for Friday night karaoke? That's a little rough isn't it Santa? I've always thought the part in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, where the elves gather and sing "We are Santa's Elves" was a bit icky.

I'm not prying' Santa baby, I'm just saying it's nearly 2009 and the media is everywhere; sooner or later one of them is going to crack open your serenity like a can of tuna. You better have an explanation for why you're still running in the black and rolling along like it was 2005. You don't want the news media even tiptoeing around that whole "sees you when you're sleeping thing" man, cause since Michael Jackson, that stuff don't really fly no more.

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