The smell of aging

Ive got a problem. I am beginning to smell like an old guy. It didnt come on slowly, it was just there, bang old guy smell; its a hard thing and I cant get rid of it. I was driving along, alone, when it hit me. I smelled oldness. I took the smell in for several minutes hoping to blame it on the new shirt I was wearing. Maybe, I thought, the shirt had been tailored from wool of a very old sheep? The smell persisted, so I took the shirt off and found the label read 10 percent cotton which meant if my old sheep shirt theory were accurate, 55 percent of the old guy smell was coming from me because my truck cab was humming at at least a 65 percent oldness smell level. Holding small print at arms length, knowing too many state slogans (Connecticut, the Nutmeg State; New Hampshire, Granite; Pennsylvania, Keystone, etc.) sadly, I could go on and on; perceiving our youths lack of ambition, not being able to enjoy the July fourth celebration because youre worried a firework will go up and return to the middle of the crowd before it explodes, crying at the human interest story that airs at the end of the local news, humid testeronic visions if youre a guy my age of Jackie Gleasons June Taylor dancers, are all signs youre getting old. However, none of those signs should alarm you near as much as when you begin to emanate old guy smell. What does old guy smell smell like? It smells about like the inside of a small preowned 1989 compact car with a pinch of wet pipe tobacco,and a hint of buttermilk mixed together. Ill say at this point standing near me wont necessarily assure youll smell my old guyness, I think youd have to nearly touch your nose to my skin to pick up a whiff, but, with the way the smell took to me, seemingly overnight, I fear it may very quickly worsen to the point at which when I enter a room folks will wonder if Im a Science teacher. Oldness creeping up two plus years shy of fifty is not comforting. Yesterday my hair gal found a hair coming from my ear lobe. Not from inside my ear, from the lobe. Just one, but still. Crapola man. There I was, sitting in the chair smelling old with a hair growing from my ear lobe, a crooked one, thinking the only bright side is the chick cutting my hair might charge me less cause she thinks I collect social security. Thats a bad thought to have when youre forty-seven. Better though to have hair coming from the lobe than from inside the canal; The fact ear lobe hairs are more visible than ear canal hairs bothers me less then knowing theyre easier to yank makes me happy. Figure that last line outit works, trust me. Overall, as far as I can tell, my physical appearance is inline with my age. A quick check reveals smooth feet bottoms, very few blue vein ankle clusters, not many gray hairs, no liver spots, a clean bill of heath from my doctor, and a non-disease getting family history. With all those things going for me you can understand why this onset of oldguysmellnessarrhea is rather upsetting. All in all Im feeling pretty good about my place among the aging, especially when I consider the color of my toenails leans much closer to white than yellow. Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act The Logger. His column appears weekly. He can be reached at rustyd@pshift.com. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com

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