Ole Earl's Goball Tangent

Course this winter anaways, didnt hear too awfully much bout goball warmin, an the thing is, it was gobally warm aroun here. Them smart people dont think deeply enough to remember that such snow like we had this year, records broke in some places, comes mostly not in severe cold, so really it was warm this winter, at least enough to back their argument, but cause of the high snow heights an the harsh blowin of the wind, at times it didnt seem it, see, warm. Hah? It was cold you say? Nopesiree it twaunt, didnt get 20 below once I dont think, let alone for days on end like it used to always. And the other thing is the goball warmin criers dont feel like stickin out jib jabberin bout goball warmin when its a slippery and slidin cuss of a winter, an yer payin your plow guy in triplicate to most years winters type of winter cause they know were fed up with winter an they feel theyd look like fools picketin n cryin the blues bout goball warmin. If it twas a dry dirt walkin roun type winter youda heard from em. Course thata been funnily ironic cause if it was dry it coulda been more cold anaways but they were smart ta keep quieted this winter, they dont wanna get laughed at, and thats why you aint heard much from em since mid fall anaways. But it was a warm winter, by a titch, n a titch is all them goball warmin worriers care about. Now you wait n see this Thursday is spossed ta be seventy-four out, and them sons a cusses goball warmin criers are gonna blat and howl and blither, Its too warm, April 17th and its seventy-four, its too warm, warmer now then it used to be April 17th. They may be right, but theyre cryin about a muskrat pube of a degree too warm overall when it comes down to it, which aint much. Course they dont say degree, they call it cellsuss, or whatever the hang, cellseeus, I cant figure that stuff, bad nough some wrenches come through metric n theys just a width of a bat eyelash off from normal bolts, n my friggin knuckles have taken the brunt of that metric crap I tell ya what all bangin off nuts an screw heads an c-clamps, n its the same group a people whore crazy about goball warmin who wanted to change to metric and cellseeuss and who manufacture them wrenches. Dont tell me it aint. Rich Hippees! They look poor in their ratty bib outfits but they aint, cause their parents send em checks sos to keep them the hell away. Free money makes you think overtime about fixin what aint broke. You wait n see though how them same folks who been impin and ahhwwin an sputterin, Winter goes on and on, its too long, I need some sun, will get it Thursday, cordin to the weather on the night news, and theyll be sweatin like an old mouse with alzinhighmers who cant find his hole, where he lives not the one he touches, you never cant find that, yeah, a day after complainin how long winter is theyll turn right roun an cuss its too hot too soon, n that they aint got their short britches n their spring shirts and low ridin socks out yet, and Ill laugh cause I got one wardrobe year roun with the major adjustment being when summer hits I roll up my sleeves and Im cool as mountain spring. They bother that dry hot goball warmin weather in April causes field fires and Ill be thinkin Im 83 and aint yet seen a field fire that burnt anything anyone needed. Them goball warmin worryin sons a cusses are too hot and I aint cause I drink the same viscosity booze year roun but they drink thicker stuff, just cause they can afford it. I seen rich folks booze come in a blue marble bag with a gold draw string to it an what do ya think that bag costs? Quite a lot. Then they gotta put chocolate syrup and whip cream on top their totties now since the medias got them all buyin sugar and buyin into the idea plain booze aint good enough. Same thing is done with coffee nowadays. Sugar and money, roots of all evil. You seen modern Pixie Stix? They used to be thin and made of paper, now theyre made of plastic and theyre big aroun as a small culvert get ya high in a hurry, partly cause the sugar goes into ya pure, cause you dont chew it along with the paper like we used to. Think about it. Too much sugar these days, were all stoned. Anaway when it hits seventy-four degrees their blood aint down to summer booze thinness and theyll wish ta hell drivin home with the sun blarin through the windshield that theyda done some work this winter stead of watchin the Discovery channel shows where the fellers do all the work for em, catchin crabs and loggin and makin choppers, while they set on the lazyboy an snore, cause if theyd a gone out an caught one crab or cut one tree or made one chopper theyda not had gained a small army of fat right where the belt wraps aroun. Theyll sweat this Thursday and wish it was February again. I call em fritterers. They got time to stay home and fritter about this and that, goball warmin, Hilary Clinton, car idlein, Canadian money being good, all winter n reason they can is many of em are underwrit by a rich grand pop who invented somepin years ago that everybody uses, like Q-Tips, most everybody anaway, I dont, but I never had trouble hearin I dont think. Oh how the warmness of the weather wakes up all the freaks, n thats not to say the globe aint warmin, but if you gotta sashay about and run your mouth instead of tryin ta cure the common cold, or volunteerin for Meals on Wheels, then youre off like a prom dress I wanna tell ya. How you doin anaway? Rusty DeWees tours Vermont and Northern New York with his act "The Logger." His column appears weekly. He can be reached at rustyd@pshift.com. Listen for The Logger, Rusty DeWees, Thursdays at 7:40 on the Big Station, 98.9 WOKO or visit his website at www.thelogger.com

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