Thus, not just early man, but the earliest man, had run and determined experientially that it was absolutely no fun.

Case closed.

Leap ahead in time hundreds of yearsbeyond the pathetic Greek soldier who ran himself to death after the battle of Marathon, and ignoring the insanity of the naked Greek Olympic Games, as well as that cultures other innovations (e.g., homes with columns, fraternity parties, stabbing people with swords, and democracy) that would prove to have no value in todays worldto modern sport, when an angry and slightly blasted Babe Ruth watched one of his own teammates run to first base after hed batted the ball, rather than moving along at a cool stroll, waving to the crowd, accepting a beer and a hot dog from an appreciative fan as he walked the base paths. But in the blink of a heavy-lidded eye, the American game was ruined, as from that moment on would every other sport in the world that already existed or would come into existence. From soccer to football, from basketball to hockey, athletes were suddenly running everywhere (quick movement became so commonplace from that point on that hockey players adopted the use of the ice skate, instead of the usual dress shoes heavily duct taped on the soles.

Could it be any more obvious that the Run vampired all the relaxing leisurely Fun from every legitimate sport, except Jarts and NASCAR.

And so I say to Moms and Pops everywhere that if you happen past a sign stapled to a telephone pole advertising a local Fun Run, that youll tear it down before your child sees it. But if youre too slow or slow-witted to accomplish that small feat, and your child points and asks,

Whuzzat? The only answer youll offer is, Be quiet and eat your ice cream. And with any luck, and if youve raised your son or daughter in the right way, he or she will do exactly that. Eat the ice creamand all subsequent ice creams on offerand never be tempted to get involved with the gateway sport of Fun Runs, which can eventually lead to them buying into 5Ks, 10Ks, minimarathons, and the soul-stealing actual marathon.

And if they must be seduced by a rhyming invitation to a local activity, let it be this: Yall Come to the Mall.

Now youre talking fun!

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