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FUN RUN? IN YOUR DREAMS!

Like divorce announcements and obituaries, youll spot them in every newspaper in the country, advertised like as if its an amusement park ride that only you have never heard of. Its a Fun Run, for jeezum sake! Cmon out!!

Indeed, the Fun Run.

The Microdash. The Nanoscram. The Minisprint. The Tiny Scoot. Whatever its called, anyone with an overpronated lick of sense knows exactly what it aint, and exactly what it is: A waste of effort that will leave you breathless, unsatisfied, a little sweaty, and ultimately alone, like most first dates and family gatherings.

Yes, the Fun Run, the sneaky little time killer for people who have little enough of time as it is. (Recent reports have the the U.S. ranked 40th in the world in life expectancy, a mere 35 spots or so ahead of some of the worlds poorest countries, where life expectancy is now expressed in base 6 so it doesnt have to be reported as a negative number.)

Just as pronunciation guides are always at pains to point out that theres no zoo in zo-ology, I understand their pain and feel compelled to point out that there is no fun in Fun Run. And the rhyme just makes it worse. The first-ever (and terribly misguided) theme of Cirque du Mal de Mer (the spectacularly unsuccessful competitor to Cirque du Soleil) was Drownin n Clownin. A half-dozen men in full white make-up and wearing oversize rubber noses floating face down in a pool left initial audiences traumatized. There are still hundreds of children who will never set foot in a circus tent again.

There is nothing fun about running at all. It is simply a method of quicker foot-based locomotion invented by Early Man for two purposes and two purposes only: 1) To escape from something trying to eat you and 2) to catch something that you want to eat.

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