Face Painting

Just the latest insult to Native American traditions by parents without the guts to get their kids real tattoos

No, its not the old 19th century smallpox-impregnated-blanket trick. And its not the literally countless number of broken treaties and promises. And its not even close to the lets-give-them-the-worst-land-everywhere policy thats created reservations on some of the most hostile terrain in the United States.

What Im talking about is the horrific rise of the artless application of paint to the face of every kid in America, at every event held from sea to shining sea. Whether its at a community picnic, a traveling carnival with cool, superdangerous, never-safety-inspected rides or food booths, grandma and grandpas long-anticipated murder/suicide memorial service, or an ongoing four-alarm fire raging through your neighbors house, youll almost always find an individual seated at a folding table with a folding chair for clients (I assume for quite-getaway purposes) with pots full of pasty color, a hand-lettered sign taped to the side of the table reading Face Painting for Kids!!!!!! And a suggested donation that, if more than zero, is vastly overpriced.

Im not sure what it is about face painting that irks me so. Not that it irks me more than just about everything else, but youd think that Id at least let this one little thing go. Its harmless. Its ubiquitous. Youre never going to be able to stop it. So just forget about it and concentrate on the great issues of the day.

Then I thought, Nah, forget it. Im going after these kids faces like an eagle hungry for chin meat.

The first, and most essential truth about face painting, is thats its an activity jammed down kids throats (or in this case, smushed into their faces like a malicious clowns cream pie) by their parents so they can have some quality time in the beer tent at public recreational gatherings, to whit:

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