The Getting Season

Dear Santa, Are you and the Mrs. well? With flying deer and over achieving short people constantly surrounding you, I cant imagine you arent. From the Christmas cartoons on television that are now available on DVD, I bet youve hardly gotten tired of saying, Blitzen, fly to the Post Office and bring back my residual checks. Good for you man. Although I get conflicting visual images of what your house is actually like, I would barely believe youre living in anything less than a very chill pad, albeit somewhat out of the way. Youve done so very well for yourselves. In fact Sant, my only worries are that your cholesterol and sugar might be if not over the top, at least on the verge of the tipping point. I can suggest steering clear of store bought milk and cookies left for you by under achieving families. In any case Sant, youre a champ. Me, Ive been less good this year than many or most of your clients. I would only ask you might judge me on an extremely lax naughty vs. nice scale. If you slide me some slack Sant and see your way clear to a quick set down atop my crib on the Worcester Ridge in Elmore, Vermont, dont be afraid to drop off the items included in this, my humble, thoughtfully, and appreciatively submitted, Christmas list. 1. Snow tires for my UPS driver. It seems the billion-dolla company, UPS, who in their commercials ask, What can Brown do for you? find the road to my house a tad steepy-steep for them to deliver from November to April. So they leave my packages at my neighbor Andrews house. Andrew and his wife are the kind of neighbors whore so nice, instead of calling me to come fetch my stuff, they deliver it themselves. Sant, Im fine with UPS not delivering to my house during fall and winter, but only if they change their slogan to, What can Brown and Andrew do for you? 2. Glasses for my plow guy. Every year Santa I drive hunter orange stakes around the border of my driveway. The first two years living here my plow guy has plowed within the stakes, which amounted to me having very little spring lawn clean up. This year the first two times he plowed, he plowed right over two of the stakes. Same driveway, same stakes, same plow guy, drunker. 3. Underwear. 4. Two framed, signed photos of you and and Mrs. Claus on vacation. 5. Snow Sant! That is to say, if between now and the 24th dreary old Mr. Global Warming rears his ugly head and washes away our Yuley early quilting of snow, bring us some on the Eve. While I remember and before I forget Sant, heres my cell number case you get lost, or, have any questions about my list. 456-837-2682 bttr (best time to reach) evenings after 10:30 6.This present Sant is for the state of Vermont. Give us Vermonters the gift of contentment, and make us not want to try to be the first, biggest, and best in everything. Ive never minded that we be the last, smallest, and not the best at everything. In fact, thats why I live here. 7.Santa, please bring me the strength to not swear at people who when driving in front of me, slow almost to a stop before they pull into a driveway. I realize in your world its something you dont run into. Down here, its an epidemic. 8. Surprise me! 9. 4.5 million dollars. 10. Number 10 is always a good number from which to make a statement. Thus, related to my list, its the perfect time to wish everyone a lifetime of Peace. But Santa, wishing peace goes without saying. So as to not waste a gift on a forgone conclusive wish, let me use my number 10 for another present for me a lifetime supply of Darn Tough socks. 11. Another surprise. 12. A gun, a rifle, a handgun, any kind of gun. No bullets though. I dont actually want to fire it, I just have never owned a gun, and recently Ive come upon a hankering to have a bit of weaponry in the house. 13. A coffee maker. No coffee though, I dont drink it. Like number 12, for some reason I feel like Id be a more worthwhile American if I had a coffee maker and a gun in my house. Work with me Sant, if these two gifts are the extent of my mid-life crisis, they aint so bad. 14. Santa, when I see a person with one of those little phones stuck in their ear, I want to get an inch from their face and shout, Whats the deal? For my 14th gift Sant, give me the discipline to keep from doing that. 15. A phone that rings, a girlfriend who cooks, shorts that are short, and a full blown Nativity set, because for me Santa, 2008 is going to be all about Retro. Thats it for now. Im mailing this off December 10th, which assures its arrival in plenty of time for you to fulfill it. I may think of a few more things, and if I do, Ill e mail them to make sure you get them in time. I love getting presents Santa my Manta. You rock unbelievably. Thanks, Rusty DeWees P.S. Dude, if youre behind this Christmas, that is to say, if you can only score me one of my requests, concentrate on the 4.5 million. That way, I can buy my own stuff. And Sant, its not lost on me that this is the season of giving Id give away the .5. Excellent ole boy.

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