Popcorn: If you eat it, you spit it

Yup. Sorry. If you eat popcorn, and you talk while doing it, like it or not, youre a popcorn spitter.

You may think momma brought you up with good eating habits, and you may be right, but what you dont realize and may not believe is, when you were at the fair the other night and you bought a bag of popcorn, and you walked around the fair diving your hand time and time again delicately, but deliberately, into the popcorn bag, pulling out fistfuls of popcorn, all greezie fingered from the box up to your perpetually masticating trap, filling said trap with popped kernels, talking while you were doing it you spit popcorn on someone.

Oh yeah you did. You spit flecklits of yellow, half chewed, soggy, nineteen sided, miniscule pieces of popcorn out of your mouth like so many woodchips flinging askew from a colony of beavers on crack let loose in a spool factory, and those flecklits landed on whomever you were talking tos face, hair, shirt, boots, and watch and you did not let up for a second. You stood there jamming corn into your mouth, jabbering, and rapid fire spitting popcorn pieces all over any fair goer within six-feet of you, and you did it unknowingly.

Yes, youre a low-down-sad-grotesque, rough-around-the-edges, popcorn spitting fair goer you are, and you dont even know it.

Until now.

Let me just say that popcorn spitters (myself included), arent bad people. Popcorn spitters are some of the finest, smartest, well put together people youd ever like to meet. Theyre doctors, school teachers, farmers, hydrologists, house cleaners, preachers, custodians, and toddlers. Such a diverse group are popcorn spitters that it can be said the only thing they all have in common is, spitting popcorn. To that I say Im not being critical of popcorn spitters, Im just trying to illuminate them one and all, because while most of the time were aware of the things we do, we are never aware of our spitting of the corn. We burp a nasty vinegar and peppers burp, were aware of it. We squeak out a little intestinal wind, we know it. We dont always know when we have a piece of nose waste hanging from our chin, but its not but a second that someone close will make a motion letting us become aware of it. So we take care of it. With popcorn spitters, were on your own. Were free to spit undeterred from anyone telling us were spitting popcorn. Why? I dont know. For some reason the person getting spit on will allow themselves to be corn flecked into oblivion without calling foul. I know because Im one of those people.

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