You may not want to hear this but what Im about to write is fail safe. Its true. Its money in the bank. No exceptions. What Im about to inform you of is as sure as saying Jackie Chan wakes up sore, house cats sleep through Christmas, and though they periodically try to be, local newscasts arent funny. No truer words have ever been uttered than what Ill utter on paper an inch or so below. Surely, My toes are ugly, is a statement that in most cases hits the nail on the head, but not as directly on the head as does the statement about a certain maze product Ill eventually write about in this column. If I ask a pretty gal on a date and she says, No thanks, shes not spoken words as definite as the words youll read soon here along the way. If Walter Cronkite tells you thats the way it is, you shouldnt believe him nearly as much as you should believe the thoughts Im going to pass on to you shortly. When you see a 75-year-old Floridian male driving a Corvette, and he has jet black hair, you should believe his hair is dyed, less than you should believe what I am going to offer in the following paragraph.
When any human being buys a bag of popcorn at a country fair, and when any human being eats it while theyre roaming the fair, and when any human being stops to talk with any other human being they may want or need to talk to, the human being eating the popcorn (here it is), will spit little bits of popcorn all over the face of the other person.
Popcorn spitters. Thats what I call them. They are people who spit popcorn. Heres the catch youre one of them.